Ineffectual Ridicule

There are times when something is so silly, so utterly stupid that mockery and ridicule become ineffectual. Sometimes the something is so ridiculous that it mocks itself. Such is the nature of the Daily Northwestern at this point.

They've hired a new group of columnists for the Spring quarter, and I must say that they've really chosen a unique philosophy this time around. Rather than hire, you know, good writers, or people with something interesting to say, they've hired people who think they are funny.

Do you think, perhaps, that I'm being overly critical? Let me share some recent examples.

Landlords: Key-holding creepsters

Have I made some gross generalizations? Sure. All Evanston landlords are most likely not insane. But it is important to give a caveat emptor to the residents of Allison and Elder Halls and all those in-between: When it comes time for an off-campus house hunt, may the great bird of the galaxy bless your planet.

God, William Shatner is such a fox…

Northwestern: Let's hug it out, b****

Alright, Northwestern, it's time to admit it: We are so awkward, even hugging freaks us out. When was the last time you really hugged someone? Sure, you can remember the last all-nighter you pulled, but can you remember the last time you wrapped your arms around another human being instead of around a calculator?

And finally, today's column: Feminists: you smell… like girls

Ugh! Must I always be force-fed this man-hating propaganda? Usually I try to ignore these assaults, but that day I decided enough’s enough. So I point out that last dissenter and I say, “OK Betty, pack it up! We’re going to CVS!” Then my professor tries to get all badass and says, “Young man, I’ll thank you to sit down and remain silent.” I just looked at him and said, “Old man, you’ll thank me after I release you from the Camel Clutch!” And then I put that geezer in the Camel Clutch until he started crying! (Upon release, he did not thank me.)

Yeesh. Look Daily, I know you're trying something new to attract readers, but let's be honest with ourselves: You are not the Onion, and these writers are not Dave Barry. As soon as you can accept that, the world will be a happier place. Especially when I actually try to read something interesting in your stupid paper.