No, it's not a lie

Despite the fact that I'm forecasting political grumpiness for the next 4-8 years (unless something really stupid happens), this is still pretty darn funny.

I guess I'm a double agent

This is pure, distilled awesomeness in stick figure form.

I hope they don't make me pick a side.

Abandon all hope ye who enter here

My dating pool has dried up ever since I moved out to Baltimore, so just for kicks and grins I signed up for one of those dating sites (that isn't eHarmony, anyhow). Just the free version, mind you. I've no intention of paying good money to get rejected by women, as I'm already getting enough of that for free.

In any event, I can understand why people are often as skeptical as they are about online dating websites. I imagine that some are better than others, but there seems to be common issues resonating on all of these sites, and it's more of a problem with the people than the sites themselves. Although let's face it, most of these sites do have the problem of being like a party where you see a bunch of people standing around and every time you try to talk to someone the host walks up and demands $5 before he'll let you chit-chat.

In any case, let's talk about the things that make these women's profiles so egregious, as I don't have anything else interesting to blog about lately:

Photos
This is clearly the biggest issue for your profile, as it's the first thing a guy is going to notice about you, yet also seems to be the one thing that people spend no time or effort on. Common issues include:

• The eye gouger- Seriously, you couldn't find a better looking picture than that? You have one eye half shut and your tongue is hanging out.
• The lonely shot - You wanted to get a quick headshot in, so you held your digital camera at the arm's length and took a photo. Since you're paying $20/month for this, you couldn't spend a little time to change out of your pajamas and get a friend to snap the photo for you?
• The ex - Why in God's name would you post a picture of your ex-boyfriend licking your face to a dating website?
• The woman of mystery - Okay, so you like the picture of you and all your friends at the beach. Since we can't tell which of the 13 women in the picture is you, we're just going to assume you're the one who looks like she got a once-over from Hannibal Lecter and move on.
• The time warp - We can all tell when you're using a picture older than the children you talk about in your profile. You might want to give us some credit and post something that was taken since the advent of digital cameras.

The Profile
You get a bunch of multiple choice radio boxes and a 500 word essay to sell yourself to me. Why is it that some people can't seem to get this one right?

First, there's weight. Look, if you're not going to post a picture of yourself, it's just polite to fill this portion out. Unfortunately, the websites seem to be in the habit of letting people live in Imagination Land (TM), because most have four categories: Slim, Athletic, Average, and "A few extra pounds." From what I've seen, people who pick that last one are making quite the understatement.

Next come your activities. I don't know a lot of people who will say that they hate being outdoors, and I think all of us can find enjoyment if we're at a picnic and get roped into a game of volleyball or horseshoes. But don't tell me that you regularly enjoy kayaking, hiking, swimming, tennis, basketball, badminton, water polo, bowling, competitive dance, base jumping, and speed skating. You can't possibly partake in all of those often enough to call any of them a hobby, and you certainly don't look athletic enough for that to be believable anyhow.

The biggest hurdle is the free-form profile. Spelling is the most obvious issue; again, you're spending a lot of money on this to try to find a mate. Don't you think you could have spent 10 seconds running this thing through spell-check? The biggest thing I notice is the abundance of nonsense phrases. These can include, but are not limited to:

• "Looking for someone who doesn't play games" - Like what, checkers? What does that even mean?
• "I love to laugh/have a good time" - Phew. For a second, I thought you might have been a kill joy.
• "Friends are very important to me" - Me, I'm just going to hang out in the Batcave all day and be broody and emo. Friends . . . pfft.
• "I'm looking for . . ." - This list could go on for a long time. Basically, it involves any number of qualities that only the socially retarded will be lacking. Then again, this being the internet, perhaps those things can't go without saying. You know, things like "someone who's down to earth," "someone who is a good listener," "someone who will appreciate me," "someone who is confident in himself." They all seem like a good thing to say, but they mean absolutely nothing. Oh, and if you decide to say that you're looking for someone who "shares (my) interests," it would be a good idea to actually say what those are.

So there you have it. Internet dating . . . I'm willing to concede that it might improve once you're willing to spend money on it. Until I have that kind of disposable income, however, I'm going to stick with my usual strategy: Making awkward chit-chat with ladies on the train from work, then following them in the parking lot, get a face full of pepper spray, and then run off screaming something about coffee and phone numbers.

Perhaps it sounds painful, but how could it be worse than online dating?

Off-label, Indeed

I've never been much a club-going, bar-hopping hipster. A friend of mine drug me to a bar with a DJ not too long ago and it didn't do too much for me. It really doesn't surprise me, then, that I missed this silly little trend:

New York bouncer, blogger and author Rob Fitzgerald has noticed a trend among many of the macho young men waiting outside his clubs. He says the guys are slathering up their torsos with the hemorrhoid cream Preparation H to make themselves look "ripped" for the ladies.

I can't decide if this is one of those things that's too silly to be made up, or too silly to be true. Either way . . . yikes.

My favorite comment I've heard on this, so far, is that this isn't really off-label use. Afterall, isn't Preparation H meant to be rubbed on irritating . . . well, you know. Really, though, the best part is the picture they included with the story:

Ni!

Heh.

Still in Stage One

So, John McCain is the Republican candidate for POTUS.

I suppose I could have a serious discussion about this, linking articles such as this one, and this one here.

On the other hand, perhaps I'm still enjoying these last few moments when I can be in denial, and would rather just post funny stuff. Like this.

Serious discussion after this weekend. Reality will catch up to me soon enough.

The stupidest monsters ever

Actually, I think Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) had the best one. I forget the name of the creature, but it was apparently a flesh-rending horror. However, it was so stupid that it would think that if you couldn't see it, it couldn't see you. The key to escaping a horrible death was to cover your eyes if you made spotted it.

Anyhow, that theme brings us to an article about some of the dumbest monsters in Dungeons and Dragons. I'm inclined to agree, although I'm thinking that having a room of death with just the floor, ceiling, and walls is not enough.

Hat tip to Shamus, who generated a great discussion, including the guy who made one of the stupid monsters. Fantastic.

Fantasy Science

I have a bunch of friends who take part in fantasy football leagues. I'm not much of a football buff, so their prolonged conversations about the matter tend to make my mind wander. Still, it gave me a humorous idea.

Why not have fantasy science? Each participant assembles his "research team" of scientists. You can have them work on any project you want, but they'd have to be working together. You couldn't get a psychologist to work on a physics project unless his involvement made at least remote sense.

Then, you assign points to the players over the "season" based on the number of publications members of your team co-author, research funding they pull in, or any special recognitions or awards (departmental chairs, ACS/AAAS recognition, etc.).

Hard to pull off? Oh yeah, especially because you'd be hard-pressed to even find scientists who care that much. On the other hand, how hilarious would this be if someone actually made it happen?

More humor in science

As I mentioned before, I'm taking a plant biotech class, and we've been talking about making transgenic plants (genetically modified organisms, GMOs). Of course, this brings up a classic paper where RNAi (RNA interference) was discovered. Sometimes overexpressing a transgene in a plant can cause the plant to use the transgene against the same copy of the natural gene and eliminate both of them, effectively causing the opposite effect of what the researcher may have intended in the first place.

Of course, when discussing a sample scenario in trying to avoid this, I asked my professor a question about this and her response made me laugh:

Co-suppression occurs as a result of overexpression with the 35S promoter – it’s possible if you used a different promoter, the plant wouldn’t be so pissed off and turn off all gene production.

I had to laugh. How often do your professors talk about a plant getting "pissed off" by overexpressed genes?

Flashy entrance, you say?

I've previously mused on things I'd like to see at my ideal wedding reception. Some people consider limos to be the best way to say, "I'm coming and going in style." More recently, people have opted for the SUV-limo.

Amateurs.

If you're having your big day in London, and you want to show people that you are living la dolce vida, then perhaps you ought to consider this. Nothing will accentuate that blessed day like rolling up in an APC.

And hey, if that drunken relative of yours happens to make a scene at the reception, you can always lay a couple of mines behind his car. Or just crush it. Y'know, whichever is more convenient.

August Link Dump

Meh. I haven't had much to blog about recently, so once again I'm just pawning some links off as a "post." I guess this is an "entertain yourself" kind of week.

Video Games
I've been playing the N64 version of Paper Mario, which recently became available for download on the Wii Shop Channel. I didn't think it appropriate to write a review for a 6 year old game, so this isn't a real review, especially since I've already given my thoughts on other entries in the series. This one's closer to the Gamecube version. Did you like that? Then you'll enjoy this one. If you have a Wii, go ahead and download it, it's worth the $10.

Politics
Proving once again why he is one of my favorite bloggers, Dafyyd ab Hugh has a splendid post up on Big Lizards connecting congressional pork to national security, as part of his effort to outline a "big picture" theme for Republican presidential candidates. It's not that anything he says is so new that no one could think of it, but I admire him for being able to connect ideas the way he does. He's a thinker, and one I envy. Go read the post.

Comics
Thanks to Scott Adams, I was led to this online comic, Basic Instructions. It reminds me of a comic I used to read in the River Front Times, though which one I can't recall anymore. Still, it's quite hilarious, and I highly recommend you add it to your regular reading list.

I'll be back when I have something to blog about.

A REAL raise in minimum wage

"I'm tired of your crap! I work way too hard to put up with all the garbage this job throws at me, and for what? Some measly pittance? You start paying me more, or I'm taking my services elsewhere! What do you say to that, eh?"

. . .

"On second thought, I think my compensation is more than adequate, sir."

Hat tip: Slublog

S

I've seen journalistic malfeasance in my time, but this is the shoddiest piece of punditry disguised as journalism ever. Seriously.

(If it's fixed, this is what I saw)

What is the definition of awkward?

Awkward adj.

6.	hard to deal with; difficult; requiring skill, tact, or the like: an awkward situation; an awkward customer.

7.	embarrassing or inconvenient; caused by lack of social grace: an awkward moment

Example: Woman orders her husband, in a coma, taken off of life support. Two weeks later, he wakes up.

Awkward . . .

Deja Pew

I swear I've had this conversation before.

Knocked Down

I've no intentions of seeing Knocked Up. Even as far as comedies (does this count as a romantic comedy?) go, it's too weird for even me.

However, if it's your thing, there's a review up on NRO, focusing mainly on the link with abortion in the movie.

More Like Death-strogen

According to recent research, estrogen in lake water is killing off a population of minnows by feminizing the male fish.

Yet another example of why God commands us to fear the almighty uterus.

Nature's Coat Hook

It's things like this that I read Fark for.

Why do I find penis jokes so funny? I guess you never really get over being a 12 year old boy.

Penis. *Snicker*

On A (Gender) Bender

Apparently, I write like a woman.

No, really.

This program, the Gender Genie, analyzes writings for their masculinity/femininity based on the words used. Based on the ~16 words devoted to each gender, it decides which way you swing based on the majority.

Interestingly, I'm a feminine writer when I write about philosophy or religion. When I write about video games and porn? I'm all man, it seems.

Personally, I think it's a skewed system. Even average Joe Schmoe writers like me know that certain words are best used in certain contexts. You'd think more content specific clues would be the determining factors, but it's rather innocuous words. Here's the lists:

Female

With, If, Not, Where, Be, When, Your, Her, We, Should, She, And, Me, Myself, Her, Was

Male

Around, More, What, Are, As, Who, Below, Is, These, The, A, At, It, Many, Said, Above, To

See what I mean? I could easily construct a very "feminine" sentence that in context is 100% all man, and vice versa. I think the system stinks.

Incidentally, this post clocks in as male. Good to know.

Update
Oh, I should probably offer my hat tip on this one to Shamus.

I'm a rude blogger sometimes. Good thing no one reads this mess.

Update #2
A big welcome to Shamus' readers! I hope you'll take a moment to look around. A big thank you to Shamus for the link (I guess that shows what courteous blogging will do for you).

I'm in love!

Step 1: Meet girl.
Step 2: Get girl to marry me.
Step 3: Convince girl to let me have this at the wedding.


















Step 4: Live happily ever after.
More geeky cakes here.