Safety Videos Gone Wild

So, today for orientation we had to take part in "safety training." This stuff is almost always about 90% common sense and about 8% sensible regulations, with the remaining 2% being details that nobody ever worries about until a disaster strikes. You know, what to do if you accidentally turn your lab partner into an unspeakable radioactive horror, that sort of thing.

As with all "safety training" sessions, we had to watch a safety video. And as with all safety videos, it was funny for reasons that just aren't right. This time, I swear we were watching gay chemistry porn.

I kid you not.

One of the first clips involved a man who accidentally sets his lab coat on fire and begins to wildly flail about. This really shouldn't be funny, but when you understand that it's staged for the sake of the video, it becomes freakin' hilarious.

Anyhow, he drops down on the ground and begins what I suppose he thought was "Stopping, dropping, and rolling," but instead looked like he was trying to play Dance Dance Revolution on his belly. This, too was amusing. However, the best part was when his lab partner rushed over with either a lab coat or a fire blanket and was "smothering" the fire. Or, as it appeared to us, was furiously hugging his horizontally dancing friends.

Minus clothing, it would have been obscene.

Ah, but that was what the next scene was for. The next scene involved procedures to undertake when you have to wash in a safety shower. So, we see the same guy at the fume hood suddenly pour some unknown liquid on his shirt and pants. Then, he begins his running and flailing (as before), while screaming, "Bill! Help! Help!" We see him run under the safety shower and begin rinsing off his front side, where all the chemical was "spilled."

Then it gets creepy.

"Bill," attempting to aid his distressed co-worker, begins by ripping the man's shirt off. Safety procedures don't let you take it off over the head, so Bill just grabs the collars and *rrrrrrrip*, right down the center. The man, in this case, is not really assisting, as he's too busy pulling down the safety shower valve. "Bill" then proceeds to drop down to his knees in front of our now wet, shirtless chemist.

Scene cut? You wish. Bill then starts undoing the chemist's pants and drops them, attempting to pull them off over his shoes. So now we have this mostly naked chemist, standing there in the shower. In tighty-whities, no less. "Bill" is down on his knees before him, trying to remove his pants the rest of the way.

Very thankfully, the scene cut away at this point. Any further, and I we were scared it would have been gay chemistry porn. And you know they'd have never filmed this scene with two women. (Note to safety video producers: If you film such scenes with women instead of men, you will make a fortune)

I think the film was titled, Safety Videos Gone Wild.

Well, it should have been, in any case.